Thursday, June 01, 2006

 

so the very first...

I haven't written down anything for a while now. I guess it wouldn't be such a horrible thing to take up again considering I have so many things to write/think about. I like how when I have free time I can express myself since there's no one to talk to... about the things that go on in my life. I think I tend to keep things to myself and not really talk about the way I feel.

So my best friend lives half way around the world and I guess I still haven't made peace with that. It's hard not having someone to talk to from time to time and I feel I've become more distant and away from the social scene.

Life is very complicated and unfulfilling.
I don't believe I have any "real" interests in life. One could describe me as a person who complains about lifes circumstances.. constantly. I guess I'm not really pleasant to be around. Who can blame them, I hate almost every aspect of life. I'm not ungrateful for what I have because I'm grateful for a lot, however I just wish somethings just turned out a little differently for me.

Somehow, I know that I'm secretly trying to live a life that's not mine.

It's funny how I want to post online, I honestly don't like going on the computer, possibly because I have to work with one almost everyday.

I could analyze almost every aspect of my life and tell you exactly what it is that I don't like about it and I wish I could change.

This would date VERY far back and nobody really has time to reminisce about occurences from ages and decades ago.

What pains me to think about is, 10 years from now am I still going to be this unfulfilled and am I going to be still wonder why did life end up like this.

I feel like I'm trying to understand the pieces of my life and at the same time, I think to myself "what good use will this bring to me?" Expressing myself and understanding my circumstances will not help me come to terms with how miserable I am in life. I can barely get myself to committ to changes that I believe would be beneficial. I am truly intimidated by the world that surrounds me. It is definitely hard to admit but I'm sure that is apparent. I'm pretty transparent and I just brush it off. I have way too many fears in life to conquer. You know I look at others and I just say to myself "wow, if I could only be like her, life would be so much easier" it's funny, I felt empowered and so strong a few years ago and that part of me had started to deteriorate so quickly, I feel as if I barely exist now.
I'm sure there are a million people out there who have it worse than me and you know how it goes. Honestly, I'm not thinking of anyone else right now, quite frankly I don't really care.

so today, what is it that is bothering me?

I feel as if I've always hid behind relationships. My relationships have been long term for as long as I could remember. I have been in quite a few long term relationships, some good and some bad.
Right now, I am completely confused.
I don't know what to do right now and I don't even know how to feel anymore. I feel as if I need to break free from all of this.

In the beginning it was perfect.. as the years passed it started to not matter too much anymore because we had commitments. I don't know if we're just getting sick of each other or we're simply just growing apart. I really don't appreciate his attitude, how he always treats me as if i need to be told to not do something. I hate how he always does things that he knows that annoys me. I hate how he always starts fights, and expects me to apologize for getting upset that he started the fight and has the nerve to tell me that let's not fight anymore when he was clearly the one who started it. I hate how he never understands me. I hate how he bothers me about stupid things. I hate how we're on completely separate tracks now and I hate to admit it. I hate how this relationship has become what it is.





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